Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
