Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
