Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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