The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
