Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
