I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
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I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
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I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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