i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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