Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
