I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
