i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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