just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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