Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
