The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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