So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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