...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
