I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
