By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
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i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
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I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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