remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
