I'm gonna have a badass scar
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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