I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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