I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
