what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
