fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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