i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
