you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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