Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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