I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
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Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
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He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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