Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
