i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
