how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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