11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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