3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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