Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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