i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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