So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
