I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
