Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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