1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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