So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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