No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
