You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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