so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
