Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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