her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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