he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
