Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
