tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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