capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
