the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
