I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
