Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
