got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.