Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
