We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
