It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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