Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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