I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
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So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
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So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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